I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Life is so much better after having sex.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
