Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
