I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
