I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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