I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
