I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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