When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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