I don't usually arrange sex via text message
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
