If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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