I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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