Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
