I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
