If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
