i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
