theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
