I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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