no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
