More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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