So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
