It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Say something about gay babies.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
