I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
