I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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