Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
