Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You are a genius and a whore.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
