dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
