Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize