So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
