TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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