The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
