Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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