Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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