My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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