i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
