I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
4 words: hood of his car
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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