Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
