he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
