He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
