I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
