my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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