Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
