Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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