I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The uberlube is also flammable
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I believe in your delicious
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
