if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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