1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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