I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
