one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
