maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
