she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
