my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
