if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
