What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
