Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
